Never Let Me Go….

July 20, 2011 - Leave a Response
It had never occurred to me that our lives, which had been so closely interwoven, could unravel with such speed. If I’d known, maybe I’d have kept tighter hold of them and not let unseen tides pull us apart.

Kathy: I come here and imagine that this is the spot where everything I’ve lost since my childhood is washed up.

I tell myself,
if that were true
and i waited long enough…
then a tiny figure would appear on the horizon 
across the field and gradually get larger..
until I’d see it was Tommy.

He’d wave. And maybe call. I don’t let the fantasy go beyond that… I can’t let it.

I remind myself I was lucky to have had any time with him at all..

What I’m not sure about, is if our lives have been so different from the lives of the people we save. We all complete.

Maybe none of us really understand what we’ve lived through, or feel we’ve had enough time…

-Never Let Me Go (2010)

The Dead Children’s Song

February 28, 2011 - One Response

Father will bring the bread home
Father will teach us our lessons
Father will light the lamp
And make us warm in the cold.

Sitting by the orange fireside
He will tell us little fairy tales
And when we fall asleep
He will pull the blanket over us
And make us cosy in our soft bed.

All day the children wait
For their father to come back home
Full of love in their hearts.
But one day no father came
And one day all the children died.

She wrote me a Letter

February 14, 2011 - Leave a Response

Dear M…

God doesn’t give you the people you want. He gives you the people you NEED……….- To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you into the person you were meant to be.

Dear God: The lady reading this is beautiful, classy and strong, and I adore  her. Help her live her life to the fullest. Please promote her and cause her to excel above her expectations. Help her shine in the darkest places where it is impossible to love. Protect her at all times, lift her up when she needs you the most, and let her know when she walks with you, She will always be safe. !!!!


Conversations with the Others-II: On Life After Death

January 15, 2011 - One Response


H: …After 1 year has passed, I think things cannot have worsened…

Me: But time has stopped still for me… there’s no difference between now and then… you speak like u have never loved anyone.

H: I have…  If you’d believe in afterlife a bit then you’d understand that your sufferings carry on in the other person’s afterlife. When I say afterlife, I believe that the person does not immediately resume a new life.  I don’t know… but I believe a person may get stuck in a limbo for a very, very long period… especially the one who is really attached to someone in this physical world… the loved one. Rebirth would take a long, long time in such a case. After rebirth I don’t know if the person can remember anything from past life.

See, suppose he is watching you right now.  How do you think he would feel? He won’t be able to carry on.. seeing u like this.

Me: Then he should very well do something, and not just watch me.

H: Do you really think that in their form and existence they can do anything… other than feel… feel emotions of their loved ones? Its not possible.

Me: If he exists in some realm, he would have some powers… or atleast he can give me a message in some way.

H: How can he?  He can’t touch a thing… See… it is solely your belief, whether you want to believe in afterlife or not…

Me: Its not easy to believe or not believe, u know… you can only question… and seek proof or some sign…

H:  You can do it…  Think of this belief as love.  This time, similar to one-sided love which does not require any feedback from anyone.

Me: If it was so easy to fool my mind, i wud have..

Ofcourse, my love for him remains the same, and it cannot change as long as i am alive. But its not so much about me… its about him as much as me… i cry because i feel for him and i identify myself with him… he did not die alone… This is my pain, of not being able to live and not being able to die.

H: I am worried…

Me: Don’t… I give no importance to myself and my grief in the context of this big world. I wish i just disappear in my own insignificance, and nobody even realise it.


2010 in review

January 8, 2011 - Leave a Response

The stats helper monkeys at mulled over how this blog did in 2010, and here’s a high level summary of its overall blog health:

Healthy blog!

The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads Wow.

Crunchy numbers

Featured image

A Boeing 747-400 passenger jet can hold 416 passengers. This blog was viewed about 1,600 times in 2010. That’s about 4 full 747s.

In 2010, there were 34 new posts, not bad for the first year! There were 61 pictures uploaded, taking up a total of 9mb. That’s about a picture per week.

The busiest day of the year was August 9th with 333 views. The most popular post that day was Difference between Love and Obsession.

Where did they come from?

The top referring sites in 2010 were,,, and

Some visitors came searching, mostly for nihilism,, kashmir in sorrow, on all reliegions, and nihilism religion.

Attractions in 2010

These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.

Difference between Love and Obsession May 2010

About May 2010

Gibran’s Love June 2010

What takes more courage: Living or Dying July 2010

We all have Died July 2010

I go to sleep

January 7, 2011 - 4 Responses

When I look up from my pillow
I dream you are there with me
Though you are far away
I know you’ll always be near to me

I go to sleep
And imagine that you’re there with me
I go to sleep
And imagine that you’re there with me

I look around me
And feel you are ever so close to me
Each tear that flows from my eye
Brings back memories of you to me

I was wrong, I will cry
I will love you till the day I die
You were all, you alone and no one else
You were meant for me

When morning comes again
I have the loneliness you left me
Each day drags by
Until finally my time descends on me

I go to sleep
And imagine that you’re there with me


Did i know

January 1, 2011 - 3 Responses

Did I know that something so terrible is going to happen… that i am going to lose you?

I used to tell him so insistently… Lets go away to a lonely island please… please… I dont trust this world… I just need us to be together…. you fish and …we can grow some crops… and we will have a small white house by the sea and we will be so happy together…

When i used to tell this to him, I used to be real real serious and intent… I felt it very strongly inside me… this need to take him away to a safe place… I had this strange fear inside me always… something that I had never experienced before in my whole life…

If he was as mad (or as intuitive… or as paranoid?) as me and had asked me to come along to that lonely island, i’d have dropped everything right there- job, house, bank accounts, books, family, and walked away with him, no questions asked- and would have done a ‘whoopee” in ecstacy…

I knew what i was asking him to do was impractical and crazy, and I often rued the fact that he never took me seriously on this… Of course, he did too love the thought but he knew it wasnt possible in our situation…

I had then quietly modified my dream to settling in the country-side and taking up cultivation. It was far more realistic, and he loved it too… perhaps we would have done that given some time… but…. we were not given any time only… everything was taken from us by fate in such a cruel and cold way… two poor souls… who loved each other beyond their own belief… why are they so far away from each other now…

The Time Traveler’s Wife

December 26, 2010 - Leave a Response

CLARE: It’s hard being left behind. I wait for Henry, not knowing where he is, wondering if he’s okay. It’s hard to be the one who stays.

I keep myself busy. Time goes faster that way.

I go to sleep alone, and wake up alone. I take walks. I work until I’m tired. I watch the wind play with the trash that’s been under the snow all winter. Everything seems simple until you think about it. Why is love intensified by absence?

Long ago, men went to sea, and women waited for them, standing on the edge of the water, scanning the horizon for the tiny ship. Now I wait for Henry. He vanishes unwillingly, without warning. I wait for him. Each moment that I wait feels like a year, an eternity. Each moment is as slow and transparent as glass. Through each moment I can see infinite moments lined up, waiting. Why has he gone where I cannot follow?

-Audrey Niffenegger

Conversations with the Others

December 16, 2010 - Leave a Response

S: What can I say,  that push to overcome such days has to come from within you. One fine day you will say to yourself, “I understand and acknowledge this pain. But I will survive, for those who still care about me. And by doing that I’m not being disrespectful to this pain.”

Me: u cant understand my situation… i hope u never can..

S: I know I know…..nobody can understand anybody else’s pain. This will always be a part of you. But everybody, including the one who’s not here, would like you to take care of yourself and go on. Grieve, but more important than that, honour the memories. The best way of that is to emerge stronger and atleast give small joy to those that ARE there.


Me: what do u think of life… why do u live, what is the purpose…

S: The purpose of life is not clear even when we grow old and fade away. At our age, we don’t have any idea what lies in our paths. The beauty of life is that we don’t know what lies around the bend. Something may happen tomorrow that may make our lives entirely and beautifully worthwhile, in ways we can’t even begin to imagine. I guess that is reason enough. We didn’t create our lives, we have no right to take. As none of us is an outside observer to life, we are unable to answer this question. So let’s live out our lives and see how it stacks up at its end. I suspect we should live on if only to attempt to have even a remotely positive assessment of our lives.

Me: u know…. i knew the meaning of my life, the purpose.. it was very clear. and therefore it haunts me now, because i have lost it forever. no matter what i do, where i run to, i can never find it. Life is unfair coz whether u do good or bad, u r as vulnerable…

and somehow i am the chosen one to get the best for few moments followed by the worst for a lifetime. Its not so dark if there was never any light…

S: I can understand. You were fully sure of your life. Everything was in place. But this is also true that you did not know that your life would be like this say 15 years back. Maybe the purpose of your life (as you understood then) was completely different then. The good things that came your way were as much a surprise as the unfavourble ones. Such is the nature of our lives. Life is always dynamic, challenging our assumptions at each step. we can’t plan too much, we can’t forsee anything. The only thing we have is courage to face anything that comes our way, and resolve to make it count, no matter what. Give yourself some more time. Give life some more time.

Me: your experience of life is quite different from mine. but ur thoughts are good and i appreciate.

S: Nobody’s experiences are alike. But don’t let that be a mental block in wholeheartedly accepting a point. I’m sure there are all kinds of people on earth. Some have seen grief and pain we cannot even imagine. But they too at some point of time understood this point in their own different ways. The key is acceptance, without looking for exact parallels.

Me: i know nobody has and can ever experience what i have, and i also realise that i have no idea what others have faced… its always very ‘personal’.


Me: u know, u cud become a motivational writer. seriously

S: Apparently I’m not good enough….I can see that.

Me: there wil always be the odd disgruntled specimens

S: As I said earlier, I would rather succeed as a friend, than look for an alternative vocation…

Me: ya i know. am not mixing the two. just telling u that not everyone can think like this

S: Everybody can. It’s a choice one makes.

Me: u think highly of all humans

S: Every human can be as godly or as fiendish as you can imagine. It’s all inside of you, tremendous strength and utter helplessness. And you actively make that choice.

Me: i dont think all humans are equal-mentally n emotionally. i dont find depth in most people. Most people are not mature and they fail to understand the real meaning of life, indulging in their obsession over petty things, wasting their lives over meaningless issues. i respect everyone and can love everyone, but i cant agree that they are all equal as human souls..

S: “Aham Brahma Asmi” (I am Brahma), “God created man in his own image”…. cultures, religions across the world resonates with these thoughts. This is the biggest secret and yet in plain sight. When I say “Namaste”, really I’m not saluting you, I’m saluting the god inside you. This is the biggest secret and yet in plain sight.

The soul is noble. But you can use a knife to help you cook for a life-giving meal or use it to end a life.

Me: if u believe in all this, you must also be believing in the evolution of souls over lifetimes… some are ahead in the journey, some are just starting. Its nobody’s fault really… at the heart of it perhaps as they say, all are just part of the One.. so essentially everyone is same. But in this earthly journey, everyone is at different stages of evolution. (not that i believe in life after death)

S: The journey of the the soul is neither a linear process nor a one way road. There is both regression and progression in this long journey. While the soul is the essence of life, it is not the only determinant of character or intellect.

If your soul has achieved something in your previous incarnations (yes I believe in re-incarnations), it will find its way up again. HOWEVER, what you might not know is that there are forces that do not like a soul to progress higher. Therefore, the life of a soul on the path of enlightenment is always full of thorns.  There will be guardian forces also, but its always a struggle between the two. The secret is to emerge stronger that before, mentally, spiritually and morally….gradually you start to become untouchable.

Me: so at practical levels, do u think all the people u  meet/ have met are same at heart/ intellect?

S: Soul yes, heart maybe (but heart is often subservient to intellect or conditioning), intellect no. This makes for a complex soup.

Me: soul- no (depth, understanding, compassion)
heart-no (criminals, terrorists?)
intellect-no (no explanation reqd)
it differs in everyone.

S: Understanding, compassion is not limited to soul. And in most people, between soul, heart & mind, one is dominant  over the others, so you cannot implicate any one. What I mean is that the soul in everone has the potential for greatness. It may not lie subservient to the other two throughout life.  Therefore, we cannot give up on anyone. But we’ve digressed from the topic we initially started.

Do you think animals commit suicide ?

Me: i havent much idea.

u speak abt the potential of souls. that is different from what it “presently” is. I am saying i dont blame them, coz for whatever reasons they lack depth.

by soul- i mean the depth of a person, his understanding of others, of life, of things.. compassion, kindness, gentility, thoughtfulness.. stillness.. this is what depth of soul means to me.  everyone may have potential. but they r not same. its a practical experience for me, no philosophies.

S: That is not the function of the soul alone. Usually it resides at higher plane, very difficult to perceive. What can be gathered on the surface easily from pratical experiences is common sense. What is formulated by constant reassesment of practical experiences, is philosophy.

But coming to the question of suicide, why is it that animals do not posess the faculties to contemplate suicide ? Why do only humans possess this capability.?

Me: i can try to find reasons. but i dont know coz i havent researched. whats the reason.

S: No research required. Just think on the subject. And we will discuss it later. YOU NEED TO HAVE YOUR LUNCH NOW !!!!


S: Had anything ?

Me: ya forced-fed at 7th floor

S: That’s a like a good girl….!!

Me: i dont knw whats this conspiracy of trying to fatten me.. (like for some ritual sacrifice)

S: Our conspiracy to fatten you or your conspiracy to flatten yourself ? 🙂

Me: both i think

S: I hope we win ! Down with anorexics !!!

Me: i am not anorexic. am healthy

S: Yeah… by Somalian standards !!

Me: thats something

S: Really ? By indian standards of calorie intake, you must be below poverty line.

Me: yes i am very very poor… poorest of the BPL. i like that.

S: No dear… these days you just like to put your foot down on everything. Just relax and give some breathing space to yourself

Me: i wud need the whole world to be empty to have enough space

S: Ha…. then you definitely need to be fatter to deserve that much space…. 🙂

Me: wats the point if i fill the space. i need emptiness

S: Besides, we don’t leave kids unattended…  🙂

Me: if theres noone on earth, u cud leave me unattended u know… no danger

S: No baby…. there’s a much more dangerous creature on earth than all the world put together.

Me: what

S: In your case, its named M…. In my case its named S….. In complete isolation, they can destroy us….

Me: am i 2 diff entities in 1?

S: No, actually 3…

Me: name

S: The left, the right and the centre !!!!

Me: dont speak in puzzles. name.

S: It’s nothing technical dear…. we are always pulled in two different directions. Sometimes its the head Vs the heart, sometimes its logic Vs instinct. And in the end, a part of us mediates between the two. This mediator is generally our value system. So all of us are basically 3 elements. Now you can name it anything technical.

Me: no. i am only one- completely unified in heart, mind.

S: That’s because these days only one of yours is dominant over the other two. Its a false sense of unity. And you’re fighting to prepetuate this unbalanced situation.

Me: why wud i fight to make myself suffer.

S: Ask yourself this question. But in order to ask yourself this question you have to be brave enough to acknowledge it in the first place. Sometimes, pain feels strangely preferable. And lack of pain feels like betrayal to the cause of pain.  It keeps you hostage and soon one starts to develop a kind of Stokholm Syndrome.

Me: ofcourse not. i am not a fool or… delusional. and its not a joke. this is beyond what no one can even imagine. its futile to even to try explaining

S: Don’t explain.

Only humans live for others. Only their existence extends beyond the purview of self preservation. Our family, our loved ones, well wishers act as a failsafe. We feel the need to preserve ourselves for others. That is why the faculty of contemplating suicide resides with humankind only. Such an ability without a failsafe would lead to mass extinction.

Me: would u want to die if u didnt have a family…

S: It would have been much easier for me to do that, when faced with a situation which at that time seems like a no win predicament.

Me: I agree

S: That’s the beauty as well as the burden of a human life…But I would rather consider it a boon.

Me: for most yes.

S: The Ayodhya decision is apparently out…

Me: tel me.

S: The site is to be divided into 3 parts. The main area for ram temple, 1/3 for masjid and 1/3 to Nirmohi akhara

Me: thats the verdict?

S: yup

Me: whrs the link

S: A ticker on

M: ok…


Note: Unedited conversations


December 4, 2010 - Leave a Response

The moon is quiet
The night is still
Noone hears the cries of the heart
Dead souls linger on in the darkness
A shiver brings their message to me

The fowls know it
The eyes seek them in the darkness…
Living souls have no rest.