Never Let Me Go….
July 20, 2011

It had never occurred to me that our lives, which had been so closely interwoven, could unravel with such speed. If I’d known, maybe I’d have kept tighter hold of them and not let unseen tides pull us apart.

Kathy: I come here and imagine that this is the spot where everything I’ve lost since my childhood is washed up.

I tell myself,
if that were true
and i waited long enough…
then a tiny figure would appear on the horizon 
across the field and gradually get larger..
until I’d see it was Tommy.

He’d wave. And maybe call. I don’t let the fantasy go beyond that… I can’t let it.

I remind myself I was lucky to have had any time with him at all..

What I’m not sure about, is if our lives have been so different from the lives of the people we save. We all complete.

Maybe none of us really understand what we’ve lived through, or feel we’ve had enough time…


-Never Let Me Go (2010)
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Conversations with the Others-II: On Life After Death
January 15, 2011

 

H: …After 1 year has passed, I think things cannot have worsened…

Me: But time has stopped still for me… there’s no difference between now and then… you speak like u have never loved anyone.

H: I have…  If you’d believe in afterlife a bit then you’d understand that your sufferings carry on in the other person’s afterlife. When I say afterlife, I believe that the person does not immediately resume a new life.  I don’t know… but I believe a person may get stuck in a limbo for a very, very long period… especially the one who is really attached to someone in this physical world… the loved one. Rebirth would take a long, long time in such a case. After rebirth I don’t know if the person can remember anything from past life.

See, suppose he is watching you right now.  How do you think he would feel? He won’t be able to carry on.. seeing u like this.

Me: Then he should very well do something, and not just watch me.

H: Do you really think that in their form and existence they can do anything… other than feel… feel emotions of their loved ones? Its not possible.

Me: If he exists in some realm, he would have some powers… or atleast he can give me a message in some way.

H: How can he?  He can’t touch a thing… See… it is solely your belief, whether you want to believe in afterlife or not…

Me: Its not easy to believe or not believe, u know… you can only question… and seek proof or some sign…

H:  You can do it…  Think of this belief as love.  This time, similar to one-sided love which does not require any feedback from anyone.

Me: If it was so easy to fool my mind, i wud have..

Ofcourse, my love for him remains the same, and it cannot change as long as i am alive. But its not so much about me… its about him as much as me… i cry because i feel for him and i identify myself with him… he did not die alone… This is my pain, of not being able to live and not being able to die.

H: I am worried…

Me: Don’t… I give no importance to myself and my grief in the context of this big world. I wish i just disappear in my own insignificance, and nobody even realise it.

 

I go to sleep
January 7, 2011

When I look up from my pillow
I dream you are there with me
Though you are far away
I know you’ll always be near to me

I go to sleep
And imagine that you’re there with me
I go to sleep
And imagine that you’re there with me

I look around me
And feel you are ever so close to me
Each tear that flows from my eye
Brings back memories of you to me

I was wrong, I will cry
I will love you till the day I die
You were all, you alone and no one else
You were meant for me

When morning comes again
I have the loneliness you left me
Each day drags by
Until finally my time descends on me

I go to sleep
And imagine that you’re there with me

~Sia


Did i know
January 1, 2011

Did I know that something so terrible is going to happen… that i am going to lose you?

I used to tell him so insistently… Lets go away to a lonely island please… please… I dont trust this world… I just need us to be together…. you fish and …we can grow some crops… and we will have a small white house by the sea and we will be so happy together…

When i used to tell this to him, I used to be real real serious and intent… I felt it very strongly inside me… this need to take him away to a safe place… I had this strange fear inside me always… something that I had never experienced before in my whole life…

If he was as mad (or as intuitive… or as paranoid?) as me and had asked me to come along to that lonely island, i’d have dropped everything right there- job, house, bank accounts, books, family, and walked away with him, no questions asked- and would have done a ‘whoopee” in ecstacy…

I knew what i was asking him to do was impractical and crazy, and I often rued the fact that he never took me seriously on this… Of course, he did too love the thought but he knew it wasnt possible in our situation…

I had then quietly modified my dream to settling in the country-side and taking up cultivation. It was far more realistic, and he loved it too… perhaps we would have done that given some time… but…. we were not given any time only… everything was taken from us by fate in such a cruel and cold way… two poor souls… who loved each other beyond their own belief… why are they so far away from each other now…

The Time Traveler’s Wife
December 26, 2010

CLARE: It’s hard being left behind. I wait for Henry, not knowing where he is, wondering if he’s okay. It’s hard to be the one who stays.

I keep myself busy. Time goes faster that way.

I go to sleep alone, and wake up alone. I take walks. I work until I’m tired. I watch the wind play with the trash that’s been under the snow all winter. Everything seems simple until you think about it. Why is love intensified by absence?

Long ago, men went to sea, and women waited for them, standing on the edge of the water, scanning the horizon for the tiny ship. Now I wait for Henry. He vanishes unwillingly, without warning. I wait for him. Each moment that I wait feels like a year, an eternity. Each moment is as slow and transparent as glass. Through each moment I can see infinite moments lined up, waiting. Why has he gone where I cannot follow?

-Audrey Niffenegger

Musings in the Dark
December 2, 2010

Last night, lying in my bed, wrapped up in a soft blanket that belongs to him, I looked out into the darkness in my room. A faint light streamed through the window… whether it was the moon or a night lamp in the next home, i couldnt tell.

Outside, the rain drizzled onto my window sill and i could hear its sound so clearly in the silence of the night. Inside, the tears were flowing down my face as the terrible reality of his absence again gnawed and cut into my disappearing insides. 

The night felt cold like a dead body… a coldness that no fire can warm, a frightening shiver that refuses to go away… When the cries died, i asked myself why i was crying… for what… why were my insides aching so much when physically i was alright… How can someone affect my life so much.

What is this love-thing? Its not physical, we cant see it, yet its so strong…. so infinitely powerful that my life means nothing to me without him. Have i lost a good life in future? No. I can still have a good life… have success, be famous, have a family and i can look beautiful. I still have a good job, am an extremely valued employee at my workplace, i have a good big home all to myself, i have people who love me, i have not lost anything, and i can have everything….

But the truth is i have lost everything and i can have nothing at all.

Love happens only one time… the kind of love that we had happens only once on earth… i know it and its the heaviest feeling that a heart can feel…

How strange it is… what kind of matter are human beings made of, that we feel such emotions… we extend beyond ourselves… we are more than we realise we are. Because very obviously, he had a part of me, a very concrete part of me… Or was i actually a part of HIM? It hurts so much… even though i am not bleeding or wounded. Am i crying because i have lost a part of me, and this thing went with him. Or have i lost the whole of me, and whats left is only this body?

What was it!!! What was it so important that i dont want to live with the rest of myself any longer? What thing is this love? Does my inner-most soul know something that i consciously dont? It is clear that what i have lost was the most valuable thing in life. Love is the most precious thing in life. And somewhere my soul knows it, and therefore it has no wish to go on any longer, having lost the meaning of life.

Kashmir in Sorrow
November 6, 2010

Conversations with the Self
November 3, 2010

I am the loneliest girl on earth. For i have seen heaven in his eyes, and i have lost it now forever.

Was it better to have been blind all my life, rather than to have seen a glimpse and then have this terrifying darkness engulf me in such a suffocating way?

Was it better not to have learnt the truth about the loneliness of my soul and my existence, than to have felt the overwhelming power and satisfaction of unification with the soulmate of my life? Why were we both like children living in  a fairy tale and loving each other so innocently and so completely?

Why did i feel the perfect contentment and happiness in life, so that this knowledge and the memory haunts me in my dreams and in my waking hours?

How can i make alive the dead heart still beating mechanically inside me? How can i cease to exist without leaving pain behind?

I grieve for you…
October 17, 2010

A song that smells of death… of loss, of grief, of the unbearable emptiness of an absence… of being left all alone in this world eternally…

***

Ache
October 1, 2010

 

A thousand memories I couldn’t create with you
The thousand dreams we couldn’t fulfil…
A million touches we have missed
A million tears still to flow…