I go to sleep
January 7, 2011

When I look up from my pillow
I dream you are there with me
Though you are far away
I know you’ll always be near to me

I go to sleep
And imagine that you’re there with me
I go to sleep
And imagine that you’re there with me

I look around me
And feel you are ever so close to me
Each tear that flows from my eye
Brings back memories of you to me

I was wrong, I will cry
I will love you till the day I die
You were all, you alone and no one else
You were meant for me

When morning comes again
I have the loneliness you left me
Each day drags by
Until finally my time descends on me

I go to sleep
And imagine that you’re there with me

~Sia


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Did i know
January 1, 2011

Did I know that something so terrible is going to happen… that i am going to lose you?

I used to tell him so insistently… Lets go away to a lonely island please… please… I dont trust this world… I just need us to be together…. you fish and …we can grow some crops… and we will have a small white house by the sea and we will be so happy together…

When i used to tell this to him, I used to be real real serious and intent… I felt it very strongly inside me… this need to take him away to a safe place… I had this strange fear inside me always… something that I had never experienced before in my whole life…

If he was as mad (or as intuitive… or as paranoid?) as me and had asked me to come along to that lonely island, i’d have dropped everything right there- job, house, bank accounts, books, family, and walked away with him, no questions asked- and would have done a ‘whoopee” in ecstacy…

I knew what i was asking him to do was impractical and crazy, and I often rued the fact that he never took me seriously on this… Of course, he did too love the thought but he knew it wasnt possible in our situation…

I had then quietly modified my dream to settling in the country-side and taking up cultivation. It was far more realistic, and he loved it too… perhaps we would have done that given some time… but…. we were not given any time only… everything was taken from us by fate in such a cruel and cold way… two poor souls… who loved each other beyond their own belief… why are they so far away from each other now…

The Time Traveler’s Wife
December 26, 2010

CLARE: It’s hard being left behind. I wait for Henry, not knowing where he is, wondering if he’s okay. It’s hard to be the one who stays.

I keep myself busy. Time goes faster that way.

I go to sleep alone, and wake up alone. I take walks. I work until I’m tired. I watch the wind play with the trash that’s been under the snow all winter. Everything seems simple until you think about it. Why is love intensified by absence?

Long ago, men went to sea, and women waited for them, standing on the edge of the water, scanning the horizon for the tiny ship. Now I wait for Henry. He vanishes unwillingly, without warning. I wait for him. Each moment that I wait feels like a year, an eternity. Each moment is as slow and transparent as glass. Through each moment I can see infinite moments lined up, waiting. Why has he gone where I cannot follow?

-Audrey Niffenegger

Musings in the Dark
December 2, 2010

Last night, lying in my bed, wrapped up in a soft blanket that belongs to him, I looked out into the darkness in my room. A faint light streamed through the window… whether it was the moon or a night lamp in the next home, i couldnt tell.

Outside, the rain drizzled onto my window sill and i could hear its sound so clearly in the silence of the night. Inside, the tears were flowing down my face as the terrible reality of his absence again gnawed and cut into my disappearing insides. 

The night felt cold like a dead body… a coldness that no fire can warm, a frightening shiver that refuses to go away… When the cries died, i asked myself why i was crying… for what… why were my insides aching so much when physically i was alright… How can someone affect my life so much.

What is this love-thing? Its not physical, we cant see it, yet its so strong…. so infinitely powerful that my life means nothing to me without him. Have i lost a good life in future? No. I can still have a good life… have success, be famous, have a family and i can look beautiful. I still have a good job, am an extremely valued employee at my workplace, i have a good big home all to myself, i have people who love me, i have not lost anything, and i can have everything….

But the truth is i have lost everything and i can have nothing at all.

Love happens only one time… the kind of love that we had happens only once on earth… i know it and its the heaviest feeling that a heart can feel…

How strange it is… what kind of matter are human beings made of, that we feel such emotions… we extend beyond ourselves… we are more than we realise we are. Because very obviously, he had a part of me, a very concrete part of me… Or was i actually a part of HIM? It hurts so much… even though i am not bleeding or wounded. Am i crying because i have lost a part of me, and this thing went with him. Or have i lost the whole of me, and whats left is only this body?

What was it!!! What was it so important that i dont want to live with the rest of myself any longer? What thing is this love? Does my inner-most soul know something that i consciously dont? It is clear that what i have lost was the most valuable thing in life. Love is the most precious thing in life. And somewhere my soul knows it, and therefore it has no wish to go on any longer, having lost the meaning of life.

Conversations with the Self
November 3, 2010

I am the loneliest girl on earth. For i have seen heaven in his eyes, and i have lost it now forever.

Was it better to have been blind all my life, rather than to have seen a glimpse and then have this terrifying darkness engulf me in such a suffocating way?

Was it better not to have learnt the truth about the loneliness of my soul and my existence, than to have felt the overwhelming power and satisfaction of unification with the soulmate of my life? Why were we both like children living in  a fairy tale and loving each other so innocently and so completely?

Why did i feel the perfect contentment and happiness in life, so that this knowledge and the memory haunts me in my dreams and in my waking hours?

How can i make alive the dead heart still beating mechanically inside me? How can i cease to exist without leaving pain behind?

I grieve for you…
October 17, 2010

A song that smells of death… of loss, of grief, of the unbearable emptiness of an absence… of being left all alone in this world eternally…

***

The meaning of life…
September 15, 2010

We never know we are beings till we love. And then it is we know the powers and potentialities of human existence.

*****

The Empty Chest
July 26, 2010

How is life to be lived if your soul is removed?

But not many people comprehend the soul so vividly to even understand this question. To make a gross analogy, feel your heart, beating in your chest to its regular rhythm, as you are used to every moment in your life. Feel it with your hand over your chest… Now imagine that suddenly one moment, someone tears the heart out from your chest. The heart is removed, burnt and destroyed….

But you live on. With an empty chest. Even though you had never seen the heart which was inside, you can now feel the hollowness in your chest. The emptiness and loss – suffocating, terrifying, painful. Even if you are alive, the sense of loss is too real to go on as if nothing has happened…

It is worse than this, when one loses a soulmate…

The Bane of the Half-Souls
June 24, 2010

We are all born as half-souls. And it is only the rarest of beings who are fortunate enough to find their soulmates, and spend their life with them. It is indeed very very rare- being entirely dependent on that one law that guides our existence: The Law of Chance Happenings. We are born under this law, we meet people under this law, we miss things and we get things under this law. Not every single event is by chance, no. But that is just another chance (or good luck, as we know) that sometimes things go the way we plan for them to go.

There is no destiny. Our lives arent charted out the moment we are born and the stars align themselves to draw our future. No. Every decision that we take in life has equal chances of going bad or proving good for us. Good, bad  and ugly things are distributed with equal chances of happening amongst good people, bad people, beautiful people or ugly people. Events are BLIND and Luck is one hell of a destiny-maker. There is no denying the fact that in such a universe, the best way to live is Do your best, take all precautions and wish for good luck.

There is no ‘higher meaning’ to something special happening in your life. It happened because out of a billion random possibilities, this event got happened- some ‘one‘ event had to happen, right. And who can tell, you might just have missed out on a million ‘better’ things, in lieu. But no point being pessimistic and all. Complete waste, I tell you.

They say ‘marriages are made in heaven‘. The next part of the sentence goes, ‘and till the wedding day, even the heavens are kept guessing‘.

So, in such a world, it would be a wonderful-wonderful good luck to find your soulmate… Because to meet him, and in time (thats important too), all the billion random possibilities must give way to that one magical possibility, by sheer ‘matter of chance’. (M-O-C under TLOCH is a thing with no feelings, no life and completely oblivious to what it could do to people’s lives, so please dont judge it or think it hates you).

I dont know if there can be more than one soul-mate. I believe, there isnt.

Normally, people marry and spend their lives with a person who is not their soulmate. But they manage, most atleast. We all like, adore and are fond of so many people in our lives, and one of the nicer ones go on to become our life-partners. That ain’t so difficult.

But its the great human miss, the most killing unknown sorrow…. ah! the life they could have had if they had found their soulmates… There would have been no seven year itches (now its more like 3 year itches). There would be no extra marital affairs, no separations, no boredom in the bedroom, no feeling of being unwanted and uncared for, no insecurities….

Because the magical thing about finding your soulmate is that you become One from being Half.

You become complete. Its blissful, and its indescribable. You see each other’s dreams in each other’s eyes. You don’t have to say anything- you understand each other completely even in the deepest silence. Your soul stirs at the very voice, sound, smell, look, thought and presence of your soulmate. You share every little and big thing with each other with an unexplainable enthusiasm, untiringly every single day, just like childhood best friends. And the passion is so deep, it goes beyond even the physical needs. You are completely faithful and loyal to each other- one life seems just too short to have enough of one another. You do not run after material possessions and fame, because you have the priceless jewel of the most beautiful feeling of love. Your children become the symbol of your love, and there is no greater joy than to see love blossom into such beautiful angels. You grow together- spiritually and into better human beings. Such a relationship also has its deep fears- because its so precious, it scares you. You want to protect it from everything and everyone. But even this fear is beautiful in its aching sighs.

But, that life is not for us. Most never have the good luck to find their soulmates. The best thing to do is ofcourse to grow to love the one we have got. But the struggle and tension of the relationship never completely ceases, that remote sense of an ancient thirst never gets fulfilled… because the fundamental truth is that the two ‘jigsaw’ pieces of the souls do not fit- they were not made for each other simply. So the gaps remain, the edges brush against each other causing friction… little pieces break… thats how life is…

Some of the luckier ones find their soulmates and lead blissful ‘complete’ lifetimes.

But there are some who find their soulmates, and then lose them…. the depth of their sorrow and grief can not ever be understood or even imagined.  Such is the cruelty of the Law of the Universe.

The lost souls…
June 10, 2010

The little girl finished her bath, put on her favourite pink frock and ran outside looking for her twin brother. “Ron! Ron! Where are you, now really!!!” She needed to get the old swing tied back to the tree; it had broken in the storm last night. She went all around the yard, but could find no trace of him. “Must be hiding from me, that dreadful old game of his!”, she laughed joyfully. And then, in the moment of a gap between two breaths, she stopped to hear a sharp screech of tyres. She ran through the white gates and looked out. In the middle of the road, shining in the afternoon sun, lay her twin brother… soaked in blood…. no longer her living twin anymore… She stood watching over him. He didnt move. She felt herself dying in him.. She looked at his face- an image of her own face, no longer full of life, or making funny faces at her…

Her Ron will no longer wake up and play with her, laugh with her, sleep with his arms around her, bring her hidden treasures, share the thousand secrets… oh, those secrets are to be her burden alone now… she, who had never learnt to live life without him since the womb…

*****

The wife finished the household chores long before, in anticipation of his early return from work… He had called during the day and told her he had a surprise for her, and he couldnt wait to be near her. Beth knew he would come home, simply hold her frail body in his strong arms and tell her how crazy in love he is, and that is his ‘big surprise’! Her eyes filled up with tears of love and she wondered how every hour they were not together was so incomplete for both of them, and she blushed thinking about his love and their passion, even after 10 years of marital bliss. She laid out fresh clean clothes for him in the bed, and started preparing for tea. She could still smell him in her body, still feel his prickly day-old beard on her soft cheeks as he kissed her that morning, and she smiled by herself as her heart waited to see him and hear him call her name. The phone rang. It was her mother-in -law. He slipped, she said. Hours later they brought his still body in a box and laid it in the parlour. The face hadn’t changed since morning, smooth skin and those full lips of his… But the body was stiff and cold, it was not breathing and there was no smell of him….

*****

The mother gently put her weak little boy to sleep, whispering in his ears, “The fairy angel will come and sprinkle sweet dreams on my darling sonny. Good night dear.” Little Jemmy coughed horribly, but smiled at her words and fell asleep peacefully. The night was cold outside and snow had covered the little village in its wrap. The lonely widow worked on her wool till her eyes could no longer keep the needles going. She didnt know where the next meal would come from, or how she would buy the medicines for her son, but she found strength in the love for her child; she said a prayer and went off to sleep. The next morning, she woke up to a strange silence in the little house. She couldn’t make it out at first; she walked to the window and looked out- the morning fog was cold and gloomy, and a slight drizzle pattered on the roof… Something wasn’t alright… what was it… Suddenly with a shiver her heart stopped and she ran to the little room upstairs. He was lying like a beautiful angel… The blanket was over him just as she had left it in the night. She came near his bed quietly, afraid of learning something… she sat by him and looked at his face… so fair and innocent… her heart burst with love… But she felt a chill in the air and noticed the open window…. She felt scared to touch him… She sat like that for hours till Dorothy, the next door neighbour, came looking for her…

*****