Musings in the Dark

December 2, 2010 - 3 Responses

Last night, lying in my bed, wrapped up in a soft blanket that belongs to him, I looked out into the darkness in my room. A faint light streamed through the window… whether it was the moon or a night lamp in the next home, i couldnt tell.

Outside, the rain drizzled onto my window sill and i could hear its sound so clearly in the silence of the night. Inside, the tears were flowing down my face as the terrible reality of his absence again gnawed and cut into my disappearing insides. 

The night felt cold like a dead body… a coldness that no fire can warm, a frightening shiver that refuses to go away… When the cries died, i asked myself why i was crying… for what… why were my insides aching so much when physically i was alright… How can someone affect my life so much.

What is this love-thing? Its not physical, we cant see it, yet its so strong…. so infinitely powerful that my life means nothing to me without him. Have i lost a good life in future? No. I can still have a good life… have success, be famous, have a family and i can look beautiful. I still have a good job, am an extremely valued employee at my workplace, i have a good big home all to myself, i have people who love me, i have not lost anything, and i can have everything….

But the truth is i have lost everything and i can have nothing at all.

Love happens only one time… the kind of love that we had happens only once on earth… i know it and its the heaviest feeling that a heart can feel…

How strange it is… what kind of matter are human beings made of, that we feel such emotions… we extend beyond ourselves… we are more than we realise we are. Because very obviously, he had a part of me, a very concrete part of me… Or was i actually a part of HIM? It hurts so much… even though i am not bleeding or wounded. Am i crying because i have lost a part of me, and this thing went with him. Or have i lost the whole of me, and whats left is only this body?

What was it!!! What was it so important that i dont want to live with the rest of myself any longer? What thing is this love? Does my inner-most soul know something that i consciously dont? It is clear that what i have lost was the most valuable thing in life. Love is the most precious thing in life. And somewhere my soul knows it, and therefore it has no wish to go on any longer, having lost the meaning of life.


Kashmir in Sorrow

November 6, 2010 - Leave a Response

Conversations with the Self

November 3, 2010 - 2 Responses

I am the loneliest girl on earth. For i have seen heaven in his eyes, and i have lost it now forever.

Was it better to have been blind all my life, rather than to have seen a glimpse and then have this terrifying darkness engulf me in such a suffocating way?

Was it better not to have learnt the truth about the loneliness of my soul and my existence, than to have felt the overwhelming power and satisfaction of unification with the soulmate of my life? Why were we both like children living in  a fairy tale and loving each other so innocently and so completely?

Why did i feel the perfect contentment and happiness in life, so that this knowledge and the memory haunts me in my dreams and in my waking hours?

How can i make alive the dead heart still beating mechanically inside me? How can i cease to exist without leaving pain behind?

I grieve for you…

October 17, 2010 - Leave a Response

A song that smells of death… of loss, of grief, of the unbearable emptiness of an absence… of being left all alone in this world eternally…



October 1, 2010 - One Response


A thousand memories I couldn’t create with you
The thousand dreams we couldn’t fulfil…
A million touches we have missed
A million tears still to flow…

happy birthday, my love

September 28, 2010 - One Response

Will you blow the candles
And cut the cake
Up there amongst the angels
In a white place…

Will you remember the old times
Old joys and cheers,
And the birthday song
I sang to you close to your ears…

Will you think of our incomplete story
When you make the wish
And send me your love and assurance
Through the sweet-smelling winds tonight…


The meaning of life…

September 15, 2010 - 2 Responses

We never know we are beings till we love. And then it is we know the powers and potentialities of human existence.


Nowhere to go…

September 8, 2010 - One Response

Where do i go? There’s nowhere to go… nobody to go to.. Where do i go to cry my tears out… who will hold me and pacify me. Who will understand my pathos and my suffering? Who will make everything alright? Where can i find that assuring shelter- warm, closed and safe? Who will bring him back to me, or help me in reaching him? Who will hear the painful cries of my heart in the middle of the dark night? Who will crush the terrifying darkness from my eyes? Who will put me to sleep…

Love Defined

September 7, 2010 - Leave a Response

Love is difficult to define. Because our lives, our emotions and feelings, our world and its million experiences, are  much beyond the power of mere language to express. Those who have experienced love know what it is; they just simply fail to define in words.

But if one could come nearest to defining it, I would say that love is like Meditation.

It is like you are in a crowded, noisy, confusing place- which is the outside world, and suddenly you come to a quiet room- full of peace, silence and contentment: this is love.

He once told me, “You know Darla, I feel so peaceful with you. When I am away from you, my head is full of so many wandering thoughts, tensions, worries… but the moment i am in your presence, my mind suddenly becomes still. I feel I am here completely at this moment- body and mind, not body somewhere, mind elsewhere. It is so peaceful… like the cool breeze from the ocean is touching my face and lifting me beyond the earth…

Like meditation, in love, your mind is concentrated in the present moment. No thoughts distract you. You lose the sense of time because the notion of time seems so limiting in front of love. And in a beautiful way, you realise what perfect happiness means in an imperfect world…

And like in meditation, you become a better human being. Unhurried, patient and giving. You lose your ego because you cease to exist as a separate individual. Your soul merges with that of his, and how wonderful life becomes once you break free from the ego cage, breathe into a new life of freedom and of selfless devotion to one another, and nurture dreams of togetherness and little else.

The fiction of being human

September 4, 2010 - Leave a Response

Excerpt from Mark Twain‘s No.44, The Mysterious Stranger:

Life itself is only a vision, a dream... Nothing exists; all is a dream. God-man-the world, – the sun, the moon, the wilderness of stars: a dream, all a dream, they have no existence. Nothing exists save empty space- and you!”


“And you are not you- you have no body, no blood, no bones, you are but a thought

“Strange! That you should not have suspected, years ago, centuries, ages, aeons ago! For you have existed, companionless, through all the eternities. Strange, indeed, that you should not have suspected that your universe and its contents were only dreams, visions, fictions! Strange, because they are so frankly and hysterically insane-like all dreams: a God who could make good children as easily as bad, yet preferred to make bad ones; who could have made every one of them happy, yet never made a single happy one; who made them prize their bitter life, yet stingily cut it short; who gave his angels eternal happiness unearned, yet required his other children to earn it; who gave his angels painless lives, yet cursed his other children with biting miseries and maladies of mind and body; who mouths justice, and invented hell- mouths mercy, and invented hell- mouths Golden Rules, and forgiveness multiplied by seventy times seven, and invented hell; who mouths morals to other people, and has none himself; who frowns upon crimes, yet commits them all; who created man without invitation, then tries to shuffle the responsibility for man’s acts upon himself; and finally, with altogether divine obtuseness, invites this poor abused slave to worship him!…

“You perceive, now, that these things are all impossible, except in a dream. You perceive that they are pure and puerile insanities, the silly creations of an imagination that is not conscious of its freaks- in a word, that they are a dream, and you the maker of it. The dream-marks are all present-you should have recognised them earlier…

“Its is true, that which I have revealed to you: there is no God, no universe, no human race, no earthly life, no heaven, no hell. It is all a Dream, a grotesque and foolish dream. Nothing exists but You. And You are but a Thought– a vagrant Thought, a useless Thought, a homeless Thought, wandering forlorn among the empty eternities!”