The Dead Children’s Song
February 28, 2011

Father will bring the bread home
Father will teach us our lessons
Father will light the lamp
And make us warm in the cold.

Sitting by the orange fireside
He will tell us little fairy tales
And when we fall asleep
He will pull the blanket over us
And make us cosy in our soft bed.

All day the children wait
For their father to come back home
Full of love in their hearts.
But one day no father came
And one day all the children died.


Conversations with the Others-II: On Life After Death
January 15, 2011


H: …After 1 year has passed, I think things cannot have worsened…

Me: But time has stopped still for me… there’s no difference between now and then… you speak like u have never loved anyone.

H: I have…  If you’d believe in afterlife a bit then you’d understand that your sufferings carry on in the other person’s afterlife. When I say afterlife, I believe that the person does not immediately resume a new life.  I don’t know… but I believe a person may get stuck in a limbo for a very, very long period… especially the one who is really attached to someone in this physical world… the loved one. Rebirth would take a long, long time in such a case. After rebirth I don’t know if the person can remember anything from past life.

See, suppose he is watching you right now.  How do you think he would feel? He won’t be able to carry on.. seeing u like this.

Me: Then he should very well do something, and not just watch me.

H: Do you really think that in their form and existence they can do anything… other than feel… feel emotions of their loved ones? Its not possible.

Me: If he exists in some realm, he would have some powers… or atleast he can give me a message in some way.

H: How can he?  He can’t touch a thing… See… it is solely your belief, whether you want to believe in afterlife or not…

Me: Its not easy to believe or not believe, u know… you can only question… and seek proof or some sign…

H:  You can do it…  Think of this belief as love.  This time, similar to one-sided love which does not require any feedback from anyone.

Me: If it was so easy to fool my mind, i wud have..

Ofcourse, my love for him remains the same, and it cannot change as long as i am alive. But its not so much about me… its about him as much as me… i cry because i feel for him and i identify myself with him… he did not die alone… This is my pain, of not being able to live and not being able to die.

H: I am worried…

Me: Don’t… I give no importance to myself and my grief in the context of this big world. I wish i just disappear in my own insignificance, and nobody even realise it.


Conversations with the Others
December 16, 2010

S: What can I say,  that push to overcome such days has to come from within you. One fine day you will say to yourself, “I understand and acknowledge this pain. But I will survive, for those who still care about me. And by doing that I’m not being disrespectful to this pain.”

Me: u cant understand my situation… i hope u never can..

S: I know I know…..nobody can understand anybody else’s pain. This will always be a part of you. But everybody, including the one who’s not here, would like you to take care of yourself and go on. Grieve, but more important than that, honour the memories. The best way of that is to emerge stronger and atleast give small joy to those that ARE there.


Me: what do u think of life… why do u live, what is the purpose…

S: The purpose of life is not clear even when we grow old and fade away. At our age, we don’t have any idea what lies in our paths. The beauty of life is that we don’t know what lies around the bend. Something may happen tomorrow that may make our lives entirely and beautifully worthwhile, in ways we can’t even begin to imagine. I guess that is reason enough. We didn’t create our lives, we have no right to take. As none of us is an outside observer to life, we are unable to answer this question. So let’s live out our lives and see how it stacks up at its end. I suspect we should live on if only to attempt to have even a remotely positive assessment of our lives.

Me: u know…. i knew the meaning of my life, the purpose.. it was very clear. and therefore it haunts me now, because i have lost it forever. no matter what i do, where i run to, i can never find it. Life is unfair coz whether u do good or bad, u r as vulnerable…

and somehow i am the chosen one to get the best for few moments followed by the worst for a lifetime. Its not so dark if there was never any light…

S: I can understand. You were fully sure of your life. Everything was in place. But this is also true that you did not know that your life would be like this say 15 years back. Maybe the purpose of your life (as you understood then) was completely different then. The good things that came your way were as much a surprise as the unfavourble ones. Such is the nature of our lives. Life is always dynamic, challenging our assumptions at each step. we can’t plan too much, we can’t forsee anything. The only thing we have is courage to face anything that comes our way, and resolve to make it count, no matter what. Give yourself some more time. Give life some more time.

Me: your experience of life is quite different from mine. but ur thoughts are good and i appreciate.

S: Nobody’s experiences are alike. But don’t let that be a mental block in wholeheartedly accepting a point. I’m sure there are all kinds of people on earth. Some have seen grief and pain we cannot even imagine. But they too at some point of time understood this point in their own different ways. The key is acceptance, without looking for exact parallels.

Me: i know nobody has and can ever experience what i have, and i also realise that i have no idea what others have faced… its always very ‘personal’.


Me: u know, u cud become a motivational writer. seriously

S: Apparently I’m not good enough….I can see that.

Me: there wil always be the odd disgruntled specimens

S: As I said earlier, I would rather succeed as a friend, than look for an alternative vocation…

Me: ya i know. am not mixing the two. just telling u that not everyone can think like this

S: Everybody can. It’s a choice one makes.

Me: u think highly of all humans

S: Every human can be as godly or as fiendish as you can imagine. It’s all inside of you, tremendous strength and utter helplessness. And you actively make that choice.

Me: i dont think all humans are equal-mentally n emotionally. i dont find depth in most people. Most people are not mature and they fail to understand the real meaning of life, indulging in their obsession over petty things, wasting their lives over meaningless issues. i respect everyone and can love everyone, but i cant agree that they are all equal as human souls..

S: “Aham Brahma Asmi” (I am Brahma), “God created man in his own image”…. cultures, religions across the world resonates with these thoughts. This is the biggest secret and yet in plain sight. When I say “Namaste”, really I’m not saluting you, I’m saluting the god inside you. This is the biggest secret and yet in plain sight.

The soul is noble. But you can use a knife to help you cook for a life-giving meal or use it to end a life.

Me: if u believe in all this, you must also be believing in the evolution of souls over lifetimes… some are ahead in the journey, some are just starting. Its nobody’s fault really… at the heart of it perhaps as they say, all are just part of the One.. so essentially everyone is same. But in this earthly journey, everyone is at different stages of evolution. (not that i believe in life after death)

S: The journey of the the soul is neither a linear process nor a one way road. There is both regression and progression in this long journey. While the soul is the essence of life, it is not the only determinant of character or intellect.

If your soul has achieved something in your previous incarnations (yes I believe in re-incarnations), it will find its way up again. HOWEVER, what you might not know is that there are forces that do not like a soul to progress higher. Therefore, the life of a soul on the path of enlightenment is always full of thorns.  There will be guardian forces also, but its always a struggle between the two. The secret is to emerge stronger that before, mentally, spiritually and morally….gradually you start to become untouchable.

Me: so at practical levels, do u think all the people u  meet/ have met are same at heart/ intellect?

S: Soul yes, heart maybe (but heart is often subservient to intellect or conditioning), intellect no. This makes for a complex soup.

Me: soul- no (depth, understanding, compassion)
heart-no (criminals, terrorists?)
intellect-no (no explanation reqd)
it differs in everyone.

S: Understanding, compassion is not limited to soul. And in most people, between soul, heart & mind, one is dominant  over the others, so you cannot implicate any one. What I mean is that the soul in everone has the potential for greatness. It may not lie subservient to the other two throughout life.  Therefore, we cannot give up on anyone. But we’ve digressed from the topic we initially started.

Do you think animals commit suicide ?

Me: i havent much idea.

u speak abt the potential of souls. that is different from what it “presently” is. I am saying i dont blame them, coz for whatever reasons they lack depth.

by soul- i mean the depth of a person, his understanding of others, of life, of things.. compassion, kindness, gentility, thoughtfulness.. stillness.. this is what depth of soul means to me.  everyone may have potential. but they r not same. its a practical experience for me, no philosophies.

S: That is not the function of the soul alone. Usually it resides at higher plane, very difficult to perceive. What can be gathered on the surface easily from pratical experiences is common sense. What is formulated by constant reassesment of practical experiences, is philosophy.

But coming to the question of suicide, why is it that animals do not posess the faculties to contemplate suicide ? Why do only humans possess this capability.?

Me: i can try to find reasons. but i dont know coz i havent researched. whats the reason.

S: No research required. Just think on the subject. And we will discuss it later. YOU NEED TO HAVE YOUR LUNCH NOW !!!!


S: Had anything ?

Me: ya forced-fed at 7th floor

S: That’s a like a good girl….!!

Me: i dont knw whats this conspiracy of trying to fatten me.. (like for some ritual sacrifice)

S: Our conspiracy to fatten you or your conspiracy to flatten yourself ? 🙂

Me: both i think

S: I hope we win ! Down with anorexics !!!

Me: i am not anorexic. am healthy

S: Yeah… by Somalian standards !!

Me: thats something

S: Really ? By indian standards of calorie intake, you must be below poverty line.

Me: yes i am very very poor… poorest of the BPL. i like that.

S: No dear… these days you just like to put your foot down on everything. Just relax and give some breathing space to yourself

Me: i wud need the whole world to be empty to have enough space

S: Ha…. then you definitely need to be fatter to deserve that much space…. 🙂

Me: wats the point if i fill the space. i need emptiness

S: Besides, we don’t leave kids unattended…  🙂

Me: if theres noone on earth, u cud leave me unattended u know… no danger

S: No baby…. there’s a much more dangerous creature on earth than all the world put together.

Me: what

S: In your case, its named M…. In my case its named S….. In complete isolation, they can destroy us….

Me: am i 2 diff entities in 1?

S: No, actually 3…

Me: name

S: The left, the right and the centre !!!!

Me: dont speak in puzzles. name.

S: It’s nothing technical dear…. we are always pulled in two different directions. Sometimes its the head Vs the heart, sometimes its logic Vs instinct. And in the end, a part of us mediates between the two. This mediator is generally our value system. So all of us are basically 3 elements. Now you can name it anything technical.

Me: no. i am only one- completely unified in heart, mind.

S: That’s because these days only one of yours is dominant over the other two. Its a false sense of unity. And you’re fighting to prepetuate this unbalanced situation.

Me: why wud i fight to make myself suffer.

S: Ask yourself this question. But in order to ask yourself this question you have to be brave enough to acknowledge it in the first place. Sometimes, pain feels strangely preferable. And lack of pain feels like betrayal to the cause of pain.  It keeps you hostage and soon one starts to develop a kind of Stokholm Syndrome.

Me: ofcourse not. i am not a fool or… delusional. and its not a joke. this is beyond what no one can even imagine. its futile to even to try explaining

S: Don’t explain.

Only humans live for others. Only their existence extends beyond the purview of self preservation. Our family, our loved ones, well wishers act as a failsafe. We feel the need to preserve ourselves for others. That is why the faculty of contemplating suicide resides with humankind only. Such an ability without a failsafe would lead to mass extinction.

Me: would u want to die if u didnt have a family…

S: It would have been much easier for me to do that, when faced with a situation which at that time seems like a no win predicament.

Me: I agree

S: That’s the beauty as well as the burden of a human life…But I would rather consider it a boon.

Me: for most yes.

S: The Ayodhya decision is apparently out…

Me: tel me.

S: The site is to be divided into 3 parts. The main area for ram temple, 1/3 for masjid and 1/3 to Nirmohi akhara

Me: thats the verdict?

S: yup

Me: whrs the link

S: A ticker on

M: ok…


Note: Unedited conversations