Did i know

Did I know that something so terrible is going to happen… that i am going to lose you?

I used to tell him so insistently… Lets go away to a lonely island please… please… I dont trust this world… I just need us to be together…. you fish and …we can grow some crops… and we will have a small white house by the sea and we will be so happy together…

When i used to tell this to him, I used to be real real serious and intent… I felt it very strongly inside me… this need to take him away to a safe place… I had this strange fear inside me always… something that I had never experienced before in my whole life…

If he was as mad (or as intuitive… or as paranoid?) as me and had asked me to come along to that lonely island, i’d have dropped everything right there- job, house, bank accounts, books, family, and walked away with him, no questions asked- and would have done a ‘whoopee” in ecstacy…

I knew what i was asking him to do was impractical and crazy, and I often rued the fact that he never took me seriously on this… Of course, he did too love the thought but he knew it wasnt possible in our situation…

I had then quietly modified my dream to settling in the country-side and taking up cultivation. It was far more realistic, and he loved it too… perhaps we would have done that given some time… but…. we were not given any time only… everything was taken from us by fate in such a cruel and cold way… two poor souls… who loved each other beyond their own belief… why are they so far away from each other now…


3 Responses

  1. I felt this way about my daughter. I was always worrying and worried the most just a month before her sudden death, and yet I never, ever thought she could die. I still sometimes feel this must be some crazy nightmare. Either she was never there – it was all a dream, or she is still there… death is difficult to understand. And to accept. Sometimes I wonder how I am still alive when my daughter is not – I wonder how I am typing, breathing, looking at the trees, taking photographs in a world where she is no longer breathing.
    Then I think maybe nothing could have changed this. My fears had a reason – she was to die at nineteen and a half and there was nothing anybody could have done to stop this. This was destined perhaps… some days this is easy to believe and to live with. Some days nothing matters except that she died. I can’t understand how if there is any God or supreme power running this world could she die. It just makes no sense. It seems so wrong that this should have ever happened…

  2. you know if it was destiny, you cud take some heart in it.. but what if it is not… if it was one random accident that happened, and perhaps if she wasnt in that place at that time, she could have been living today…?? this is the one big brick that crushes my soul… this one big miss, for one small innocent happening…

    and i know it happens.. with many… and with many others life goes on normally… its all so cruelly mechanical..

  3. It was unbearable until I started seeing it as inevitable. Once I dreamt about her and once I believed (tried to at least) an old nightmare was a premonition, it became easier to bear. Even knowing that one is brainwashing oneself is bearable, but seeing it as a random accident is unbearable.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: