I wish there was God. I wish there was some super-natural power. I wish there was magic…
One day, when my eyes opened and I suddenly realised that there is no God, I lost everything… all my hopes and my last refuge… I lost my protective father-figure, the one i could depend on during trouble, and remember during sadness and happiness. I was no longer a ‘blessed-child’ of God. I had no one to turn to in my most personal vulnerable moments. I was suddenly alone in this world. A lonely traveler, going to no place, having no purpose. And thus life revealed itself to me one foggy January morning, while the dark clouds rained in deep sorrow.
In my room, I used to have a corner, where I had placed the very many beautiful idols of Hindu Gods and Goddesses- Lakshmi, Ganesh, Shiva, Krishna, of Sai Baba in white marble, and a little silver statue of Mother Mary, that i had bought at a church in old Goa. That was my prayer corner- where i prayed for my loved ones and for the world, and where i burnt sweet-smelling incense sticks and lighted a clay lamp, hand-painted in pink and silver colours.
Perhaps, because the thought of questioning the reality of God never had come to my mind before, i accepted him as an integral part of my life. I had never thought of God as somebody living in the skies, looking over us, and rewarding and punishing us. For me God was a benevolent, ‘mature’ being, may be formless, who pervaded the universe and looked after it in his infinite wisdom. And he listened to me. He stood by me, through all the trials and tribulations, all the losses and treasures- he protected me. I looked at him as a good, just and kind fatherly figure… that was my God. Not a face, not an idol image- but my faith in the inherent goodness and justice of the world.
Was I a fool, or have I simply opened my eyes a little late?
But the moment I questioned the existence of God, it just fell apart. It terrified me and made me go almost insane in desperation. There is no God? There is no meaning of life? Our souls aren’t eternal? One death ends our existence? What is the meaning of ethics, of values, of justice in a god-less world? We are born just to procreate, earn money, make our lives comfortable, pursue our interests…. and to keep searching for happiness, for meaning, and never have the chance of finding the answers, coz there are no answers to begin with?
How i miss the world where a God figure existed. Being an atheist isn’t a happy thing. It is a realisation of truth. Bitter truth. A heart-breaking truth. To live in such a world, one has to accept so many distressing facts of life- one has to accept eternal injustice, unfairness, wooden-randomness and meaninglessness of life. One has to accept the absence of magic, of miracles, of an invisible hand of blessing, of a mysterious higher order. And one has to accept the loneliness of existence. We are alone, and nobody protects us in a warm comforting pair of heavenly arms.
That is the sad tragedy of an absent god…
Remainders of a Life 
